The Wait

Kitsune-sama   

We usually talk about not being able to understand others, but rarely do we seem to understand who we are, why we do what we do, or what we want.

After finally realizing that at the end of the day we are by ourselves, I have been slowly trying to get myself habituated with being alone in the public sphere. Even though it’s not that noticeable, I know that I have been improving a lot in this sphere. I have been going out shopping alone or even going out for cakes or coffee alone. But today, even though I’m sitting here alone in this small café, I feel this extreme level of anxiety eating me up from inside. I feel so anxious that I can’t swallow my cake and my cappuccino seems so dull. It’s not that I haven’t been in this setting before then why do I feel so stressed out today? It’s because I know that the one that I’m waiting for is not going to show up.

I know this person is not going to come. Yet why do I keep waiting? Why am I wasting so much of energy and effort into something that I know is not going to happen? Is this much mental and emotional effort worth it? Maybe…but most probably, it’s not. But why am I here, holding onto every last bit of hope when I can just walk away anytime I please? Is it because I want to save what we had? No, because I know that there is nothing left to be saved, and even if there is, I don’t think I want it anymore. So, why is it that I can’t walk away? What’s holding me back? Maybe I want some closure? Or maybe I’ve already become so used to being betrayed by my people that I need to be pushed beyond my limit for me to be able to walk away. Maybe I have already developed a toxic coping mechanism over time which requires me to be completely broken down to fix the small crack within me.

I stare at the clock hanging on the cream colored wall while my heart ticks faster than the clock, making me nauseated and wanting to throw up. Yet all I do is over think while I force myself to swallow my cake along with the coffee. I guess not today either, huh?